Every so often, I'll scroll down the comments to someone's pictures, because I have no life and nothing better to do with my time. Or sometimes I will have something that I should be doing (like an English project for school), but I'll piss away my time on the internet because I can.
Anyway, ever since I joined dA, I've noticed something. Among the dozens of comments one might get, there's always some dumbass making a stupid comment on someone's picture. No matter what you submit, some idiot feels the need to leave you a stupid comment for one reason or another. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then as I looked through comments on peoples' pictures or comments that are shown to me by friends, I noticed something- comments that always fit within a certain category! Since there are few things that annoy me more than idiots (which are idiots who think you owe them a favor for some shit they did or sometimes for no reason at all), I feel the need to rip apart their little comment social structure. What you're about to see... may shock you.
Category #1: The One-Word Commenter
These kinds of people are the ones that tend to get burned the most by artists. Such comments include "cool", "awesome", "lol", and "wtf?". I didn't have a problem with these people before, except one of these idiots had the nerve to say "this is how i express my opinion" or some shit like that. All I can say is that if your "opinion" consists of one word, you don't deserve to have any. These idiots can't even be bothered to string together a simple sentence, much less bother to "express" themselves more fully. A one-word comment isn't an expression of awe and no one thinks it is. It's bullshit and proof that you don't care enough about the picture or the artist to make a decent comment on it. I don't think most people give a shit whether or not you care about their artwork, so don't pretend to, idiots. They don't think you're "cool", they don't think it's "awesome" that you blow off their hard work by pretending that you give a shit, and the only thing they'll be "lol"ing at is your stupidity. You're not going to get any favors from artists by doing this, no one is going to draw you a picture for it, and no one is going to respect you for it. If you don't have anything to say, don't say it, just leave. Okay? Okay.
Category #2: The Kindergarten Drop-Out
If you submit to this website, you'll have gotten a comment from a person like this no matter what your skill level is. These people usually have upwards of five spelling/grammar mistakes per "sentence" (as there are usually no periods so you can't discern where one sentence ends and the other begins) and generally have about the same intelligence level as the One-Word Commenter. I don't care what your excuse is (namely "its netspeak u idot lol"), your ineptitude towards the English language is completely degrading and it's proving the direction of complete stupidity that our world is headed towards. If you can't spell, format your computer and drop into the nearest landfill, then go back to kindergarten and learn how to spell "you" and when to capitalize things such as "I" or the beginning of your goddamn sentence. What the hell is wrong with you? This isn't text messaging, it's the internet. Anyone can read what you say (or not, in this case) and people will likely think that you have an IQ equivalent to a steaming pile of shit if you can't even write a simple sentence properly. No one respects that you know more acronyms than words in the dictionary, go back to school and learn something useful. Maybe you'll even be able to get a job someday.
Category #3: The Budding Novelist
Every so often, especially when you submit fanart, some dumbass feels the need to write a small script to go along with the picture. Usually poorly managed, these "stories" consist of more stupid than you can possibly imagine. Usually it involves some wacky scenario such as hosing some character down with water or killing them with a machine gun that Dr. Seuss here pulled out of his ass. It also can involve some other characters from the same series magically poof out of thin air to save said character (or rape them or something- it's disgusting what some people come up with). All I have to say is: let it go. Just stop already. You're not funny, you're not creative, and you're sure as hell not an author. Let it go.
Category #4: The Fan Art Whore
I'm sure you've seen this kind of person before. Usually a name-wasting idiot, his only objective is to fav as much stuff as he possibly can of a certain character, whether it sucks or not. However, this brave soul occasionally joins the fray, saying things like "ROUGE IS HAWT!" or "CHOA R CUTE!" and then favs the picture whether he likes it or not. This breed of dumbass simply comments and favs things that have a character he likes, whether the picture is proof of a modern Leonardo Da Vinci or proof that drawing is indeed impossible for some people. The Fan Art Whore will also spell the character's name wrong, and probably jerks off to the pictures you're submitting of that character. Hey, I wouldn't put it past them.
Category #5: The Lyrics Lover
Though I tend not to see so many of these people around, they are present nonetheless, and therefore I am going to make fun of them. These people are similar to the Fan Art Whore as they fav pictures when they are made about a song that they happen to like. Comments range from "OMG I LUV DIS SONG!" to "U LIK (insert band name here) 2!?". These people usually have attention span of a teaspoon when it comes to the actual picture and simply comment on your good taste in music. You like the song? That's great, but I don't really care. I submit my art to this site for feedback on the ART, not my choice of music! The reason I didn't call this category "Song Lover" is because that might be a bit misleading. People generally don't take into consideration pictures that were inspired by instrumental music.
Category #6: The Advertiser
Whether you've gotten these on your page or not, you've certainly seen these around. These are the people that shamelessly advertise their pages because they're insecure about the size of their dick. Sometimes it will be blatant advertising such as "Hey, check out my stuff! [link] or "Have you seen my page?", but some people are a little bit crafty. They subtly work their advertisements in there so that you don't realize it until it's too late, causing you to mentally kick yourself in the crotch for being such a gullible bitch. Such examples include "Wow, that's so awesome! I draw the same kinds of this as you. If you're interested, why not check this out? [link] I know I suck, but I'm improving. =)" or "This would flow well with a pic I did!" or "Wow, you're pretty! You look so much better than I do (see [link], [link], [link], and [link])". Not to mention the famous "OMG, MY CHARACTER'S A (insert animal here) TOO! SEE? [link] and "MAH CHARACTER'S NAME IS SPARKY TOO! WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS AND WATCH EACH OTHER!", because god forbid that other people have a fox character or a character with a same name (especially if it's a common name). I have to give them credit for being more covert about their advertising than most people are. Such a shame that all the time that these people spend advertising could be used to improve their own work so that people notice them without them having to advertise.
Category #7: The Nit-Picker
These are the kinds of people who think that it's your job to make your pictures exactly the way they like them. These people feel the need to complain about every detail that doesn't meet their prissy-ass standards. This category encompasses a wide range of comments, so I'll list only a few here as so not to take up too much space of pointless drivel. Such comments are "Hey, that watermark is too big and ugly!" or "Her boobs aren't big enough!" or "Hey, that character is Japanese! And she's WHITE! This is a travesty!". I can't tell you how much these people piss me off. They're not giving you critique so much as they're hurling piles of shit at your face. Well, anyway, I'm sure your favorite artist will stop watermarking their pictures when you pull your head out of your ass and STOP FUCKING STEALING THEM! It doesn't take a fucking degree in Rocket Science to know that people won't watermark their pictures if they knew people wouldn't steal them. And what's this comment? "HER BOOBS ARENT BIG ENOUGH!" What? Since when is it our job to make everything just the way you like it so that you can whack off every time you look at a picture? If you want to see tits so badly, go watch someone who draws breasts that are the size of bowling balls. Also, almost all the characters in anime series are white. And anime is usually made in Japan...
Coincidence? YOU DECIDE!
Category #8: The Sex Fanatic
I can't tell you how much these people just manage to piss me, and many other artists who have more than sex on their minds, off as much as they do. The Sex Fanatic will tend to ignore most of your picture and concentrate solely on the size and detail of the sex organs. For males, it's usually the fine abs and muscles, not to mention the size of their cock, that are the intended targets of the Sex Fanatic. For females, the size of the tits and the ass are usually what it's all about. If they aren't big enough, the Sex Fanatic will turn into a Nit-Picker and start whining about how you're not making your characters sexy enough. Their favorites tend to be filled with pictures that are borderline pornography while they themselves are usually talentless hacks with no pictures in their gallery. What I don't understand is why these people can't just look on the internet for porn. I mean, there's tons of it! You don't even have to look, you can just type the name of an anime in and tons of porn will come up! These people are the ones who say things like "can't yu make her sexier" or "that's hot!" or, should you happen to draw a naked picture or something, you'll get "SEXY!", "NIPPLES!" and "MORE PLZ!". I mean, who the hell gave you permission to draw your own characters the way you want to? What were you thinking, anyway. The Sex Fanatic here wants his nipples, and you'll be damned if you don't do what he says.
Category #9: The Fan Art Hater
These people are probably the epitome of pure annoyance, and their hatred of your picture stems from the fact that it is indeed fanart. Their comments usually range from "SONIC SUX!" to "it's a shame you waste your talent on fanart". All I can say is "wasting talent", what the fuck? Since when are you "wasting" talent by drawing fanart? People draw fanart [usually] because they like a certain series and want to give homage to it (that or they draw porn). Since when is it a waste to draw something that you love? I don't get it. What exactly is going on through these peoples' minds? It's their choice to draw fanart, not yours. If they want to do it, let them, and stop fucking complaining about it.
Category #10: The Dumbass Thief
This kind of person is the one who asks to "adopt" or "recolor" your characters to make their own. I'd rather give these people an ax wound to their face than make fun of them. These people are either just extremely stupid or just like to go out of their way to piss people off. Asking to recolor someone's character? What the fuck? Are you that fucking stupid? No you can't, moron! These are also the same people who complain about watermarks on pictures. No, you can't take my pictures/characters and claim them for yourself, you stupid ass. These people will stop watermarking their work when you pull your head out of your ass and stop stealing their pictures. Honestly, these people don't steal your work and call it a day, no, they're working their asses off in a 9-5 job or struggling to make ends meet while trying to earn their college degree while you're sitting at the computer with your thumb up your ass complaining about how you can't just rape their pictures and claim that they're your own. I can't even believe that people are asking to steal pictures. I think humans have de-evolved somewhere down the line.
Category #11: The Style Basher
These people are the ones who shit on your hard work because of a certain style it's in. I tend to see this a lot in Anime and Anthro work, where the Style Basher takes it upon himself to tell you how much your picture sucks because "OMG ITZ ANIME ANIME SUX!!!!" or "ANTHRO SUX BURN IN HELL FURFAGS!". These people bash pictures and even artists because they don't like the style it's drawn in, calling it "not real art" while failing to realize that there is no such thing as "real art". These people often take the shittiest picture they can find and categorize our entire community by it, not realizing that we could do the same thing to the style of art that they tend to like. If only they could pull their heads out of their stupid asses, then they might realize that their prejudices are unfounded and that Anime and Anthro artists are just as talented as any other type of artists. These people also tell us that we're talentless hacks who spend no time to draw pictures that hit the front page while "good pictures are ignored", because god forbid that anything the Style Basher hates would require talent.
Category #12: The Asshole Flamer
Often seen hawking accounts of beginning artists, the Asshole Flamer likes to vent his aggressions from the day (such as failing to get laid or flunking out of college again) and takes it out on an artist who isn't quite up to snuff yet by passing it off as "criticism". What the hell? These people are ruining the true meaning of criticism, which is to help people improve, and are instead twisting it into pure flaming. These people aren't trying to help, they're just bashing an artist because they can. Saying "This sux! You shouldn't be on dA!" only proves that these people couldn't care less about the artist's artistic achievement and would much rather put them down than help them up. You make me sick. I hope that same artist becomes the next Michaelangelo and kicks your ass someday.
Category #13: The Shit Stirrer
Though I was hesitant to give them their own group, these people are not in quite the same category as flamers, so they get their own category. :3 The Shit Stirrer is the guy who finds his way into your journal and reads it over five times to try to find any little flaw in it that they could use against you someday. These people disagree just for the sake of disagreeing, and have little to no reasoning behind their arguments. No matter what you say to them, they somehow manage to bounce your words back at you. Arguing with the Shit Stirrer is pointless, as he will continue to bother you until you get tired of fighting and let him have his ultimate prize: the last word. The only safe way out is to block him yourself, as he usually knows how to say just enough to avoid getting banned. The staff here are far too busy with more important matters, so there is no better way to get rid of him than just blocking him. Wait, there is: telling him that you don't give a fuck about him, then blocking him. :3
Category #14: The Friendship Beggar
Usually found on the pages of the popular artists, the beggar wants nothing more than to be friends with you so that they too can be cool. Not sure if someone is a Friendship Beggar? It's easy enough to find out. Anything ranging from "OMG, UR ART IS AWEOSME! LETS B FRNDZ!" to "We seem to have similar interests. Why don't we watch each other?", because that person is the only one who has something in common with you. Almost 95% of the time these people are lying about their interests anyway just to get you to like them, not realizing that people don't really give a shit if you have the same interests as they do. These are the same people who ask for a watch back when they watch you, as if you owed them some sort of favor for them watching you. Shut the fuck up, I don't need to watch you back. You didn't need to watch me in the first place, and if you only did so to get me as a watcher, then you're going to be disappointed. I watch over 120 people and I know others who watch even more. Do you think they have time to bother with every person who wanders onto their page, starving for attention? No one cares if you have the same kind of character as they do, no one cares if they share names, and no one is going to watch you back just because you want them too. One has to wonder if you're really interested in making friends, or if you just want the prestige of being the friend of an artist who worked their ass off to make their beautiful pictures. In any case, shut your face and go somewhere else. People really don't care about you that much. It's that simple.
Category #15: The First-Comment Ninja
This happens a lot on the work of popular artists: some dumbass who probably spends 18 hours a day on his computer sees an update for some artist and runs over to the new picture for a shot at nabbing the "first comment" and all the prestige that goes along with it: none. I'll never understand what the hell is so important about getting the "first comment". The artist gets pissed off, the fans with more than half a brain cell get pissed off; however, all of the other Dumbass Commenters will rush up to the person who got it, praising them for this amazing feat and admitting to a certain envy of them as well. It's too bad that the ninja-like qualities they have can't be used for something useful like pulling someone out of the road before they got hit by a car or setting the voting ballots on fire before George W. Bush could be elected into office.
Updated 2/05/09: Categories #16-#20
Category #16: The Infallible Shipper
If you've drawn even one piece of fanart containing a popular shipping (usually an improbable or impossible pairing of two anime characters who enjoy screwing each other when they're not trying to kill one another), then you'll probably get at least one moron like this commenting on your picture. Usually a raving fangirl who KNOWS that two characters (both of whom are male most of the time) would make the perfect couple, this creature will bitch and scream and rant and whine if you ever, EVER, make a picture that depicts a different fanpairing or even one completely innocuous/devoid of any romantic subtleties (but contains characters that belong to another "shipping") forever and ever until you invoke the silence that can only be brought by blocking said person. These mindless, raving idiots go about their day searching for new fanart of their favorite characters to jerk off to, and flame anything that might possibly contradict their supposedly infallible mindset of "who's gay for who." What the hell? Are these fucking cretins kidding me? The whole reason they're fan pairings is because they're ALL BULLSHIT! I've become slightly terrified of being an active part of any fandom because of all of the vomit-inducing garbage that comes with it. I don't think I need to point out any example of these sorts of comments, do I? If you haven't seen one yet, then you haven't been here long enough, and I envy you for that.
Category #17: The Illiterate Moron
I'm certain that every person has gotten at least one of these comments if they've been on dA for any significant amount of time. The first are the people that take a quick peek at your picture, zip all the way down to the comments box, and then proceed to ask you what tools you used to create the picture. Yes, ladies and germs, as you are no doubt aware, there are people who completely ignore the artist's description (the little box with the text under the picture, for those who happen to be part of this category, though I doubt any will get this far). Actually, not only do they ignore the description, they proudly display it by asking you if you used Flash to make your animation when you already wrote it in the picture description. In bold. With Caps Lock on. Twice. Well, fuck that. I say it's time to have some fun with your replies, should you decide to respond to these asshats.
"Omg, liek, wat did u use 2 mke tat!?"
"A pencil, dumbass."
Or if you really want to get creative:
"Wow, awesome! Did you use Painter IX or PhotoShop CS3?
"Neither, actually. I was at my desk drawing happily away when some dumb guy came in and asked me what tools I was using. Figuring that this would be a great way to save some money on art supplies, I snapped his neck and used his blood to make a red monochrome on top of the ground I made with my graphite stick. As for the white highlights, well, I'll leave that to your imagination."
Are we having fun yet? Good.
These are the same people who just can't seem to read an artist's FAQ BEFORE sending off stupid comments/notes to them. If an artist has "REQUESTS CLOSED" written under their status, hey, guess what? THEY'RE NOT DOING REQUESTS! Similarly, when Charlie Fucktard wants to join a club, he should probably read the rules before trying to join, yes? Including that the way to join is by noting the club admin and not by endlessly posting on the frontpage. If only Charlie could read, then he could have avoided embarrassing himself. So remember kids, don't make the same mistake as Charlie.
Category #18: The Ignorant Critiquer
I haven't had this problem yet, but a lot of people on both sides get pissed off about it, so in it goes. I appreciate a good critique as much as any other artist, but there comes a time when you may not want critique on a particular picture. Truthfully, this is understandable in an art community where the term "Critique" has become synonymous with "Flame." Face the facts though, some people don't want critique. End of story. It isn't your business to force the artist to improve if they don't want to, and besides that, the artist usually sees the mistakes better than you do, hence the reason they put the No Critique warning up in the first place. I know that ever since dA updated a few years back that the critique preference has been reduced to an almost obscure single line of text above the comment box, but for god's sake, respect that decision AND DON'T FUCKING COMPLAIN. That way you don't make yourself look like an ignorant asshole and then you won't piss off the artist and cause them to scream and shout about how they didn't want critique at you. Everyone is happy. Probably.
Category #19: The Wall of Text Chainmailer
Thankfully the nifty "Hide" button has made these comments much less annoying than they used to be, but they're still ridiculous and stupid and thus I am going to make fun of them. These comments can range from someone pasting song lyrics or poem verses on your page to people giving you that crap about angels and "friendship roses." First off, and I feel like I'm repeating myself here, I don't give a shit what song or band you're currently obsessed with, and while you're partying and screaming your lungs out at their concert, I'm sitting here wondering why there's a mass of text that spans over twelve comment boxes on my page. Such things make me fantasize about waiting for one of these morons to come home from one of their stupid concerts half-stoned so that I can practice my knife-throwing skills. Secondly, what's with this crap about angels? Who the hell believes in angels? Might I ask if you also believe in goblins? How about unicorns, or dragons? Seen any zombies lately? Fuck angels. Thirdly, what is the obsession with these pointless, sequential letters that vaguely resemble a rose or a star? And it has in it that "I'm giving you this rose/star because you're my bestest friend ever/I would chose you over than million dollars, even though that new car was tempting." Hey, I seem to have forgotten where we were. What is this place, exactly? Oh, that's right, it's a fucking ART SITE! For fuck's sake, what are we doing with these stupid text roses? Why not draw a rose yourself, or photograph an actual rose if you're into that? Well, don't mind me. My advice must pale in comparison to your "friendship." I can only imagine the deep bond you two share as a result of copy/pasted text roses. Ditch this shit.
Category #20: The Flag-Waving Freedom Fighter
You might not be familiar with this breed of dumbass, but it's an important one that needs to be covered so bear with me. This is the guy who validates his perverted "opinions" of people's artwork by claiming that he is entitled to say whatever he wants because the first amendment will always be around to suck his dick. Case in point, an artist submits a tasteful nude picture (it doesn't have to be that, I've seen it happen on all types of artwork). It isn't vulgar or naughty in the slightest and has no sexual overtones, but since he hasn't been laid in 18 years, Dumbfuck Jones easily whacks off to it and lets the artist know the only way he can: by explicitly stating it in a comment. The artist, however, does not share his sentiment, and lets him know the only way she can: also by stating in a comment. This immediately sparks a first-amendment debate of how he should be able to say anything he wants because he's entitled to his opinion and that the artist needs "thicker skin" and accuses her of "trying to control the interpretations of her artwork" because god forbid that the first amendment applies to her too. I'll warn everyone right now never to try that shit with me because none of your generic retorts will save your ass. What the hell does the first amendment have to do with any of this? And why, may I ask, does it only apply to the perverts? Don't give me your "grow up and get thicker skin" shit, we're not the ones who have done anything wrong. That "thicker skin" argument is self-righteous bullshit that only the pansy-ass perverts use to assure themselves that jerking off to an innocuous picture of a 2D anime girl is perfectly natural and nothing more. The "interpretations" argument is equally stupid. I'm tired of hearing these pricks try to justify themselves by chalking it up to how the art is interpreted. They'll claim that they're entitled to their own personal opinion, which happens to be that your work is mere fap fodder for the slobbering sex-crazed morons who find it. Unfortunately, opinions happen to work both ways, and my opinion says that you ought to be dragged through the tundra on the end of a speeding Jeep until you get frostbite on your balls. Funny how those things differ from person to person, isn't it? In any case, you're blocked from commenting. Forever. Isn't that great? Take that first amendment you treasure so much and shove it right up your ass, you degenerate motherfucker.
Well, that wraps it up for now. If this offends any of you, tell me. I'll do my best to fix the journal so that it pisses you off even more. If you have suggestions, or examples of your own, feel free to share them. I'm very interested to see what other kinds of stupid comments people make. If you bring up one that interests me enough, perhaps I'll stick it in this journal...